Anxious.

I debated posting at all tonight, I'm not sure how this post will turn out. I'm having a bit of a pity party and I know that can be really annoying to read all the time, so that was your fair warning.

Also, I doubt this post will have photos in it, I'm all about pretty blogs and pretty pictures in those blogs, most blogs I don't read if they don't have pictures in theme. I know, what a way to choose blogs but I'm a picture junkie.

I'm beginning to feel like my nerves are shot, all this stuff with the house and dealing with the money aspect of fixing everything is wrecking havoc on my marriage and also my mothering.

I lose my patience way to easily, things make me mad at the drop of a toy (literally). I seriously want to have a day without raising my voice, at my spouse and my kids.

The house situation is looking grim. It's honestly embarrassing that my Mother-In-Law lived that way, and my husband grew up like that. It's like a hoarders episode. We completely cleaned out her house and filled up a huge construction dumpster in the process, of just trash, that doesn't include the things people came to take, the things she took and the 50 bags and boxes of donation I took.

When she offered us the house, she is still paying a mortgage we would just be taking that over for her, it's by no way free to us, we assumed it needed some cosmetic touch ups..new paint, new carpet. But as they started to clear and trash things the situation became very clear, she hasn't maintained this house at all. ALL the windows leak, ALL the doors leak, and they ALL have to be replaced. ALL the sinks, tubs, and toilets leak. Toilets have to be replaced along with vanities in the bathrooms. The majority of the floor boards have to be replaced, 3/4 of the walls have to be cut 18 inches up, insulation replaced, wall joists(?) repaired and sanded to get rid of mold. All the lower kitchen cabinets have to be ripped out because of so much water damage and the flooring under there replaced. And to make things extra fun, there has been so much water damage to the floor boards that it has soaked through and rotted the support beams under the house..all that has to be replaced. Just for that work alone, not included all the new carpeting, plumbing services, new cabinets and appliances, and mold repair people, we are looking at a minimum of 20,000 to a max of 50,000.

There has never been a flood in this home..the water damage is literally from years of sinks just dripping, of toilets leaking. Mold is in almost every room because of all the moisture.

It makes me sick thinking about all the work and money we would have to put into this home. Something that (in name) is not ours.

Then comes the issue of where do we get a loan that substantial..we own nothing, and have no collateral, so a personal loan is out and because the house is not ours in our name, we can't get home equity..we can't get any help unless from family.

Is it obvious I'm dead set against this house?? Well, my husband thinks this is doable, he is willing to put us into financial ruin for this. I've threatened to leave, nothing. I cry and beg and plead, nothing. I want to be numb to this whole situation but how can I be. We do nothing but fight and bicker about it constantly. But I can't stop I NEED him to see things from my perspective.

And tonight it was brought to my attention, when I was complaining because Mason and Kaylee have both been off for awhile, sleeping is bad, clinging constantly to me, I'm feeling suffocated honestly..anyway my Grandmother brought up a valid point and it really struck me hard..maybe they are acting out so much because things are so tense and bad between my husband and I. We live in a small two bedroom apartment and none of our doors close, so we argue and fight in our room, but it is hearable from any room in our house, with no way to block us out.

If I go back and think about when this started with them two, I can trace it to when things started to get really rough with DH and I. It's killing me inside tonight thinking about what I'm doing to them. Are they scared in their own little way? What have we done.

I remember nights when my parents would fight, how I would listen to my Mom cry and I would hate my Dad. I don't want that for my kids. How I would beg my Mom to divorce my Dad when I was in kindergarten until they actually divorced when I was in 10th grade. Is that what my kids are going to grow up with? I'm so ashamed of myself and my actions around them..and with them. How I react to that tension in negative ways towards them.

I want to be better, I want to see the light at the end of this tunnel, it's just such a dark time for me right now. But I will fight for them, because they are what matter most to me in this world, I will get over this and become the Mom I've always wanted to be (again).

And because my tears are beginning to dry and I can smile thinking of them I will put 2 pictures up..to show what I'm fighting for. They are my everythings, and I'm so amazingly blessed by the Lord to have them in my life. They are the light at the end of my tunnel.