3 years later, I remember.
Yesterday we celebrated 3 years of being blessed with our beautiful son Mason. And in this post I remember.
I can look back at the night that I went into labor while watching American Idol and calmly walking into the bedroom to tell Daddy my water was breaking while he was playing WoW, and calmly telling him he could take his time with that quest, I needed to finish watching American Idol. Boy, that calmness didn't last long!
I remember them telling me I was in fact NOT in labor and sending us home. And how I laid in bed for the next 3 hours with contractions every 3 minutes, scared to wake Daddy up, just for them to tell me again I needed to go home. But I did indeed wake him up, and they did indeed keep me that time, telling me to walk up and down the hall, hoping to progress the labor. So happy that every time they checked me I was slowly progressing and thinking I can do this naturally, I will see my baby in a few hours.
I remember my disappointment that Mommom couldn't be there because she was sick at home, throwing up. But that Aunt Brooke and Grammy rushed to the hospital and spent that whole tiring day in the room with me, encouraging me even when I didn't think I could do it anymore. And my amazement when G-Daddy showed up, anyone who knows me well, knows we have had a pretty strained relationship since their divorce, how loved I felt by him as he sat by my side that day, how I forgave him that day.
I remember the contractions getting so strong, and thinking I have to stay strong for Mommom, she is counting on me doing this naturally. I remember that nurse coming in and saying you are at 6!! I was so encouraged and looked at Daddy and said "I can do this". Then not 20 minutes later the doctor rechecking and saying, "No Nicole, you are only at 4." I remember looking at Daddy and just breaking down, I couldn't do it, I wasn't strong enough. Some women are, I wasn't one of them. How I sat and cried, while Grammy silently cried along with me, seeing my pain and frustration was wearing on her as well. I was encouraged by Daddy, her and Aunt Brooke to just get the epidural, I wasn't hurting anyone but myself by being stubborn and refusing. So 16 hours into my labor I went ahead with the epidural.
What bliss!! I admire the ladies that do it naturally, but man oh man, if I could have another natural delivery I'd be getting an epidural as soon as I was checked into the hospital!
I remember after the epidural I got some rest and relaxed and started progressing pretty quick, 3 hours later I was at 8 centimeters. But I wouldn't get past that 8 centimeters. They were checking me every hour and I wasn't budging. Your head had begun to mold and they were concerned, my water had been broken for close to 24 hours and they started an antibiotic into my IV.
I remember the nurse coming in and saying at 8 pm the doctor would make a decision, if I hadn't progressed at all, I would have to have a c-section. So at 8, in walks the doctor, I hadn't progressed, the decision was made for the c-section, and honestly, I remember feeling relieved, relieved that it would be over soon and that I would have my baby in my arms. But also scared, this was a major surgery and I had never even been in the hospital prior to labor, so I had no idea what to expect from this.
I remember being wheeled down and the doctor joking that she was missing American Idol because of this! And Daddy having to wait outside while they got me prepped. I remember being pumped with so much medicine my whole body felt like it was on fire, I was asking, "where is my husband??" "am I supposed to feel like I'm burning up??". Supposedly, that's normal, could have fooled me!
Finally in walks Daddy and they get started, I didn't want him comforting me, I wanted him standing up taking pictures! I didn't want to miss one second of your birth, beings I couldn't see it with my own eyes, I had to trust Daddy to be my eyes, and what a great job he did too, those pictures I will cherish my whole life time.
I remember a lot of pressure, and the doctor saying "It's a boy", but he wasn't crying, I was desperately asking Daddy, "is he okay" and him reassuring me everything was fine, in between the snapping of the camera..and then the cry, how beautiful that sound, the first cry.
And I remember thinking how I couldn't love anything more than I did in that moment...
But 3 years later I stand corrected, because with every breath I breathe I love you more and more.
How blessed am I? To have experienced such a soul wrenching love. How I can never be thankful enough for this gift God has bestowed upon us. But I remember everyday to thank Him for the gift of you.
And someday, I hope you get to read this and realize...Mommy remembers, she will never forget.
I love you...